سلام. امیدوارم حال همه خوبه باشه. 
فک کنم حدودا دو ماه میشد که چیزی ننوشته بودم. به خاطر همین و اینکه موضوع پتانسیل بالایی داشت نوشتم از همیشه خیلی طولانی تر شد و هنوز هم جای حرف زدن در موردش وجود داشت. بخاطر همین فکر کردم که نصفش رو الان و نصف بعدیش رو که از بخش اولش خیلی مهم تر هستش رو ماه بعد بنویسم و قرار بدم.
و از اینکه نوشته هام رو میخونین بی نهایت ممنونم.
Unwanted and unwantable
There are times, the only thing I feel like doing, is running . Getting away from the crowd. Tuning out all the noises… feel overwhelmed and relieved by the fact that I don't have to think, I don't have to listen, I don't have to talk or smile or pretend to be okay when I'm clearly not anything.
I want to run. Run as far as my legs can get me. Continue till my chest heaves and my lungs burst, screaming in a desperate longig for air. Continue till the veins on my temples start pounding louder and louder. Till I feel my heart hammering against my ribs, begging, begging to leave my chest, taking a break from all that hatred, sadness, frustration and pressure. Till my feet give away and collapse on earth.
But it doesn't matter how far I get or how fast I run, I never can outrun the dark figure chasing me. I can't outrun myself.
We, human beings have some certain mental needs, like care, attention, support and most importantly, love. love is a basic necessity in everone's life. It's a crucial need. And the most qualified person who can fulfill this vital need, is you, yourself.
Most of us trust other people to provide not just love but laods of these needs for us. We seek love, care, attention,assurance, an ounce of understanding, everything from others. But we are far off the mark. They never were, are or even will be able to back us up entirelly. Becuase there is a big hole which no one can fill it except you. No one gonna believe you, no one gonna love you, no one gonna ever understand you while you do not yourself.
Wanna know why?
Cause human beings are not alike. Same situations affect different people differently. Same actions receive different responses from different people. Same behaviors can rise approval or diapproval.
Cause humans lie, pretend, betray. They calculate their each move, each gesture, every single word. How can you be so sure these kind of resources are true, pure? How do you know they aren't hollow words? See?
So, don't seek love, attention, understanding or anything else from others when you, yourself can find a single reason to give it to yourself.
You know yourself better than anyone else. If you feel otherwise, it means you haven't give yourself the chance to know. You have avoided having conversations with yourself. It could be because fear. You know things about yourself that others don't know, things which may not be so pleasent. Things which are signs of weeknees and fear. You know what is good and what is bad for you. What are your potentials and well hidden or widely konwn flaws .
Having friends, asking for help from trusted ones in times of need and use that help to heal, is incredible. A big gift that you must cherish it. But be careful that you must be the main source of that great supporte or love or any other need. Be independent and strong.
Also remember that you can't adore others while you don't yourself. You can't believe others while you don't have a tiny bit of faith in yourself.
In a nutshell, love yourself endlessly, believe yourself undoubtedly and care for yourself motherly.